Talking out of turn.

It is not a rare occurrence that I say something before I think. This is part of the reason I am often labeled as "immature." Something I said two years ago just came back and knocked my feet out from under me.

Two years ago (2008) I was a newlywed living in Denver, Colorado. My older brother was dating a girl from high school. My brother and I were only one year apart in school and had many of the same friends. This girl was my stand partner in orchestra. We were in National Honor Society together. Two years earlier (2006), a few days before beginning my freshman year at BYU, she helped me find all of my books because she saw me wandering around the bookstore completely lost.

There had been wedding talk involving my brother and this girl and my mom called me and asked me what I thought of her. This is where three people say something they should have kept to themselves. I cannot remember exactly what I said but it must have come off as bad. Even though that was not my intention because, looking back, I cannot remember anything but good things about this girl. My mom then told my brother. And my brother told his girlfriend.

I remember they broke up shortly thereafter but I never attributed it to whatever version of what she had heard I said about her.

Tonight, she wrote me a message. She went to my brother's wedding. She wondered why she wasn't the bride in the line. I cried for a long time. I wish I hadn't said anything. I cannot figure out why I would have said something bad if I didn't really feel that way. I wish I could rewind and keep my mouth shut.

Then would my brother have married her? What about my new sister-in-law? I love her so much and wouldn't want any other wife for my brother. I think he could have been happy with either girl but it was his choice to make and I feel I took that choice away.

When am I going to grow up and learn to stop talking about other people? I want to be a good person, I promise. I know it is done now and I can't fix anything. I just wonder how many nights this girl has cried over a few flippant comments about something I knew nothing about and had no business involving myself in.


Bree Chandler said...

Dear Em,
I Want you to know, I dont know you that well, But I think your amazing.
Everyone, and i mean EVERYONE speaks out of turn. You couldnt have controlled THEIR relationship. She can pretend it was you, But we allow ourselves to be affected by other people. If she cared about your brother the way it mattered, she wouldnt care what you said. Im certain he married the girl who will be his perfect companion for Eternity. Heavenly Father knows what he is doing, and You should not be down on yourself. Sometimes, we make mistakes, but then, we need to forgive ourselves, and learn from it. Know that you had no control over her and your brothers life together.Know that you are amazing, and You have alot of wonderful things to say, about people and about life! I lOVE to read what you have to say! Dont let this tear you down, its such a small thing in this big, amazing life!! :)

danielle said...

Agree with Bree.

THis girl is out of line. Her relationship between her and your brother was just that --between her and your brother. Anything you might have said to your brother probably just confirmed things he was already thinking anyway. That's how boys work.

AND. You probably said, "This girl was my standpartner, and if you are going to marry one of my standpartners then it should be Danielle becasue she is RIDICULOUS." Just saying, that's probably what you said.

Love you, Em. Don't feel guilty.

Jonny and Sarah said...

I agree with both comments.

Let me just say that I can relate. I've had similar experiences lately, and have asked myself, "Sarah, when will you EVER learn to keep your mouth shut?!" It hurts when it somehow gets back around to you. Especially, when it was twisted, or portrayed differently then you felt, or meant it to be. That's just how it works sometimes. Everyone does it, and it doesn't make you immature! Otherwise, I would have to call me 68 yr old Grandma immature! :) I've learned not to get offended by what other people say, thanks to these kind of experiences.

God has a way of shaping life the way it's suppose to be shaped. It was all meant to be. I think this "standpartner" needs to realize that, and move on. It's not fair to blame you for something that the two of them could have prevented if it was meant to be prevented. Maybe she's looking for someone to blame? Whatever the case may be, you're a wonderful girl that I look up to, and I definitely value your opinion. So, cheer up! Forgive her and yourself, and move forward... that much more wise :)

Laura said...

Emily you are such an awesome sister-in-law. My first impulse was to thank you for whatever it was that you said, because being married to Matthew has brought me greater happiness than I ever thought impossible. But then I would feel bad so I won't say it.

I feel blessed to be part of your family. Don't get down on yourself. People choose to be offended and it is totally their choice. That all happened SO LONG AGO! I agree with all the comments that have been made about this blog post.

Just keep being yourself Emily. Love you!!!!!

Geevz said...

I agree with all the lovely comments. My first instinct was, this girl must be bitter about not being married. Who would want to marry someone that didn't want them? Your feelings wouldn't be a deal breaker for your brother. And who would want a boy that cared more about his sister's opinion than his own heart? This girl is probably feeling extra vulnerable because of something else.

Don't beat yourself up about it. You didn't say it to be spiteful or ruin their relationship. It's not your fault.

Of course, I'm dying to know what exactly you said that could cause the drama :)

Camille Elise said...

Hey Em,

Here's what I think. I have been that girl that thought I could have been the bride at the reception. And I wasn't. I struggled over it for a long time. I still do in bouts every once in a while. But you know what? Ultimately, there isn't just ONE person for everyone...I believe anyways. Sooo---regardless of whether what you said had any effect on your brother's decision doesn't really matter much. He is happy. The End. She will learn to move or not. That's her decision.

Hope that helps. :)

P.S. You were mature enough to to wait to have a baby after you got married, that says something. :)haha

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