Mommy's Adjustment

Before Edison was born, I wondered what the adjustment would be to having two kids. I had heard that it was even harder than the adjustment to one. And I agree with that. There are now three people I have to dress, three people to feed, and two little people to carry around and load into carseats.

The physical adjustment:

My body recovered remarkably well this time (according to me, not my doctors). Within a few days I felt back to normal. I had a hard time going from sitting to walking or walking to sitting but if I sat/stood still, nothing felt strange. My body temperature went back to normal quickly and I was complaining about being cold again after just a few days (I always felt burning hot during the end of the pregnancy). The strangest physical adjustment was that I had to learn to eat again. I had no appetite. I would go until the afternoon when I finally remembered to eat breakfast. That took a drastic swing in the opposite direction though. Edison is like a little alarm clock. Just as I sit down to eat, the timer goes off. That means that any time I can, I stuff myself because I am not sure when the alarm is going to go off. I am having a hard time losing weight because of this.

The mental adjustment:

It was so hard for me to ask for help. I wanted to be a natural at being a mother of two. But it didn't come naturally to me. I couldn't handle both of them and if something went wrong then I would sit around crying. Our apartment was a disaster and I couldn't get myself together enough to clean, shower, and cook in the same week, let alone day. I have some amazing friends who helped without me having to ask, or even after I told them not to help. It ended up being exactly what I needed and was very humbling.
My brain is a little mixed up. I get the boys' names wrong multiple times a day. Sam, Daddy, Alex, Edison; sometimes they all become one. I also have noticed that I cannot remember things I used to know. I sit around in a stupor trying to remember something. It is frustrating.

The parenting adjustment:

I started treating Alex like he was older than he is. I would get angry when he did something wrong. I was so impatient with him; he had one chance to do something right and otherwise I started yelling. If he threw food at a meal, I pulled him out of his high chair and put him to bed. It was really sad. It took a few weeks to relearn how to parent Alex with love. Alex has started helping a lot more. But sometimes he looks at me like he is afraid of me, and that look makes me cry.

The hardest adjustment:
It was hard for me to open my heart and love someone new. Alex was my best buddy. He was my dude, my near-constant companion. It took me a long time to love Edison. I am ashamed to admit it. I would look at him and say things like, "You came to a family who doesn't even want you. I don't even love you." It didn't help that nursing was so killer and I felt like that was all he wanted from me. I remember the day I fell in love with him. I was sitting in the park on April 26th, I looked at him, and realized I would do anything for him. He is so precious to me. Then I became angry that I didn't love him all along. How could I not have loved something so perfect?! We have a great relationship now. I admire every facial expression and every coo or cry.

I feel like I have learned a lot over the last two months. I am not perfect, or even close. But each day is manageable. I can find happiness through the screaming. I laugh it off when Alex wakes up Edison nap after nap. Somehow we all manage to get fed and dressed. The apartment is a little messier but it is still safe and Alex has room to play. Despite what I thought the first few weeks, I can do this. We are adjusting to being a family of four and it is cute. I like it.