Muscles

Sam will be graduating at the end of May, and despite his many efforts, he does not yet have a job lined up. This same thing happened last year when he was looking for an internship. He did not receive an internship offer until about a month before we were to move to Allentown.

Last year was extremely difficult for me because I could not understand why he was not receiving an offer. I am not present during Sam's interviews but I have heard him on a few phone interviews and he definitely seems qualified, competent, and impressive.

Being a planner, it is difficult for me to not know where we will be living in six months or if we will even have a place to go. I am sure Sam will get a job one day, but it is obviously preferable that he has one upon graduation.

This has been a hard trial for me to understand. Last year, I felt like I improved a lot with relying on faith. I thought that trial was over and I never expected to repeat it. I have been thinking about this experience as if it were working out a muscle. Last year, that muscle got really worn down. It had time to repair during the summer and I thought it was really strong. But then the job search started and, although the muscle was stronger to start with this time, it is getting worn down again. One day, I am sure this muscle will have time to repair again. When that happens, I hope to be able to help someone else who is going through this same thing. Because believe me, I understand!

I know what it is like to have no control over my life. I am not the one sitting in interviews. A rejection to Sam hits me as if it were a rejection of me. And I take it personally. But I didn't do anything to deserve the rejection! I know what it is like to have no idea what is around the corner. I know what it's like to hear everyone else talk about their future plans and not be able to join the conversation. I know what it's like to have a husband who doesn't want to see his friends from school because they repeatedly ask him how the job search is going. I know what it's like to worry about paying for groceries.

Last semester, Sam applied to over 30 companies. He got first round interviews with twelve of those companies. He got second round interviews with seven of those companies. And yet, no offers.

Nietszche said, "Hope is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the torment of man." Each time I start looking up apartments in Denver, Austin, Somers, or Philadelphia, Sam either gets rejected or never hears back from the company; I am not sure which is worse.

I know there are people who have much harder lives, but I wanted to record my feelings and "hope ya know,
we had a hard time."

Thanks for sending me this video, Dad!