Friendless. I have realized something about myself. I always feel new. I feel like everyone around me has been there longer and is more established in their routines. They already have their friends. At church, I feel like I am the new one and that I should be welcomed. The problem is that I do not know who is really there for the first time so I cannot welcome them. So everyone is there wondering why they aren't being welcomed and it's because we are all new. Instead of going to the effort to plan activities and make friends, I wait to be invited to the activities. However, this usually results in me being home alone. I am trying to be more involved. I am also trying to stop assuming that people hate me immediately. I do not want to reject anyone from being my friend. Not everyone can play every day; but on the day someone needs me, I hope to be their friend on that day. I want to be a full-time friend who only works part-time. I hope that makes sense. I'll try to explain it another way: I am available, even if the demand is not always there for me. Related to feeling friendless, I have also become a homebody. There are days when I never set foot outside or even look out the windows. That is pathetic.
Unproductive. Now that I am living in the fourth state I have lived in since I got married, I have had lots of chances to start over. After each move I get to reinvent myself. I always resolve to be nicer, be more social, be more productive, and spend more time with Sam. This move has been different. This time I brought a baby along. He has brought my productivity level to an all-time low. He demands my hands most of the time. This means that I cannot get anything done. I have a board that says, "Goal of the Day." Under that I put a note of the one thing I am supposed to do that day. Sometimes I make the bed and consider myself accomplished.
Exhausted. I never get to wake up on my own anymore. Every morning I wake up because Alex is ready to eat. It is never because my body is done resting. This is definitely getting better but Alex is not yet on a solid schedule so I never know which night is going to be a good one. Sometimes after he goes to bed, I will stay up until 3 or 4am just to have some time alone.
Annoyed. I was annoyed while I was pregnant that everyone has an opinion about what pregnant women should or should not be doing. I didn't now that it was about to get even worse. There are some very opinionated people when it comes to babies. Why isn't your baby wearing a hat? Why are you breastfeeding in public? Why aren't you immunizing your son? Why are you letting your baby cry? Why are you taking your baby to church so young? Why did you even bring a kid into this world?! Shut it already! I do what I want!
Inadequate. I have a husband and a baby to take care of. And they both need me desperately, it seems. Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough to do it, but Sam is very good at making me feel like I can do it. I also feel like I am dumbing down Alex. I am not sure if he is listening to me telling him the times tables or the names and capitals of the states. I just don't know what else to teach him. He stares at the television and I think to myself, "Wow, this kid is going to be dumb as a board if I keep this up."
Entertained. I know that when my baby is near another baby, I look at Alex and think he is the cutest thing ever. Way cuter than their baby! And then I laugh, because I know they are thinking the exact same thing. I think we are both right. He was made just the way he needed to be so I would love him. Not so every other woman would.
Ugly. So so so so ugly. It is really sad. I cannot look at myself. This is contributing to me becoming a homebody. I do not want to subject anyone else to looking at me.
Jumpy. I talk too much. And I am awful at getting my point across. I will either ramble and never get to the point or summarize so the person I am talking to feels jabbed at by my choppy responses. I just get so excited to actually be talking to a real person who can understand that I want to talk, talk, talk!
Forgetful. I used to be able to remember everything. Conversations verbatim. Now I can't remember if I ate breakfast or not.
The epidural. That's right. I feel my epidural still. Not always though. I only feel it when I am slouching with my head down. Basically, I feel it when I sit in the same position I was in when they put it in. It's weird and uncomfortable. But not painful.
Wasted. I have a degree and use it for nothing. I am not (yet) teaching Alex about the fundamental attribution error or the primacy effect so what use is my degree? I could read a psych book and teach him those same things without having a degree in it.
Bubbly. On top of all the negative feelings that sometimes emerge (I repeat, sometimes! I do not have these feelings all, or even most, of the time), I have never been so happy in my life. Alex makes my life amazing. He does something and Sam and I just look at each other like it is the cutest thing we have ever seen. Even when he is fussy. He makes very cute pouty faces. I just feel happiness bubbling up in my chest and it makes me want to shout out, skip, jump, and twirl. Bizarre. Even when I am feeling any of the feelings listed above, I am always feeling happy as well. Grateful for my life and everything in it. I am not depressed in any sense of the word. Occasionally I think about the negative things and they make me sad but the happiness always wins out. And tomorrow I will try to make more friends, be more productive, get more sleep, be more patient with others and myself, take a shower, breathe, and remember that I am still happy.