11.13.2009

All about me.

I realized that I post a lot about what Alex has been doing or what we do as a family and I do not post about myself. But this is my blog so you are going to read all about me! And you're going to like it! I decided that today I will share my feelings as a new mom.

I feel...

Friendless. I have realized something about myself. I always feel new. I feel like everyone around me has been there longer and is more established in their routines. They already have their friends. At church, I feel like I am the new one and that I should be welcomed. The problem is that I do not know who is really there for the first time so I cannot welcome them. So everyone is there wondering why they aren't being welcomed and it's because we are all new. Instead of going to the effort to plan activities and make friends, I wait to be invited to the activities. However, this usually results in me being home alone. I am trying to be more involved. I am also trying to stop assuming that people hate me immediately. I do not want to reject anyone from being my friend. Not everyone can play every day; but on the day someone needs me, I hope to be their friend on that day. I want to be a full-time friend who only works part-time. I hope that makes sense. I'll try to explain it another way: I am available, even if the demand is not always there for me. Related to feeling friendless, I have also become a homebody. There are days when I never set foot outside or even look out the windows. That is pathetic.

Unproductive. Now that I am living in the fourth state I have lived in since I got married, I have had lots of chances to start over. After each move I get to reinvent myself. I always resolve to be nicer, be more social, be more productive, and spend more time with Sam. This move has been different. This time I brought a baby along. He has brought my productivity level to an all-time low. He demands my hands most of the time. This means that I cannot get anything done. I have a board that says, "Goal of the Day." Under that I put a note of the one thing I am supposed to do that day. Sometimes I make the bed and consider myself accomplished.

Exhausted. I never get to wake up on my own anymore. Every morning I wake up because Alex is ready to eat. It is never because my body is done resting. This is definitely getting better but Alex is not yet on a solid schedule so I never know which night is going to be a good one. Sometimes after he goes to bed, I will stay up until 3 or 4am just to have some time alone.

Annoyed. I was annoyed while I was pregnant that everyone has an opinion about what pregnant women should or should not be doing. I didn't now that it was about to get even worse. There are some very opinionated people when it comes to babies. Why isn't your baby wearing a hat? Why are you breastfeeding in public? Why aren't you immunizing your son? Why are you letting your baby cry? Why are you taking your baby to church so young? Why did you even bring a kid into this world?! Shut it already! I do what I want!

Inadequate. I have a husband and a baby to take care of. And they both need me desperately, it seems. Sometimes I feel like I am not good enough to do it, but Sam is very good at making me feel like I can do it. I also feel like I am dumbing down Alex. I am not sure if he is listening to me telling him the times tables or the names and capitals of the states. I just don't know what else to teach him. He stares at the television and I think to myself, "Wow, this kid is going to be dumb as a board if I keep this up."

Entertained. I know that when my baby is near another baby, I look at Alex and think he is the cutest thing ever. Way cuter than their baby! And then I laugh, because I know they are thinking the exact same thing. I think we are both right. He was made just the way he needed to be so I would love him. Not so every other woman would.

Ugly.
So so so so ugly. It is really sad. I cannot look at myself. This is contributing to me becoming a homebody. I do not want to subject anyone else to looking at me.

Jumpy. I talk too much. And I am awful at getting my point across. I will either ramble and never get to the point or summarize so the person I am talking to feels jabbed at by my choppy responses. I just get so excited to actually be talking to a real person who can understand that I want to talk, talk, talk!

Forgetful.
I used to be able to remember everything. Conversations verbatim. Now I can't remember if I ate breakfast or not.

The epidural. That's right. I feel my epidural still. Not always though. I only feel it when I am slouching with my head down. Basically, I feel it when I sit in the same position I was in when they put it in. It's weird and uncomfortable. But not painful.

Wasted. I have a degree and use it for nothing. I am not (yet) teaching Alex about the fundamental attribution error or the primacy effect so what use is my degree? I could read a psych book and teach him those same things without having a degree in it.

Bubbly. On top of all the negative feelings that sometimes emerge (I repeat, sometimes! I do not have these feelings all, or even most, of the time), I have never been so happy in my life. Alex makes my life amazing. He does something and Sam and I just look at each other like it is the cutest thing we have ever seen. Even when he is fussy. He makes very cute pouty faces. I just feel happiness bubbling up in my chest and it makes me want to shout out, skip, jump, and twirl. Bizarre. Even when I am feeling any of the feelings listed above, I am always feeling happy as well. Grateful for my life and everything in it. I am not depressed in any sense of the word. Occasionally I think about the negative things and they make me sad but the happiness always wins out. And tomorrow I will try to make more friends, be more productive, get more sleep, be more patient with others and myself, take a shower, breathe, and remember that I am still happy.

19 comments:

The Harker's said...

I love how honest you are.:) And know you are not alone. Most of us feel the exact same way at times. Especially with being new here, and having SO MANY girls our age to try and get to know. You are a fun girl and always seem to have alot going on. We need to have more ILR wives get togethers!

Camille said...

I'm glad you ended with the good thing because I was started to really worry about you.

I cannot say from experience, but I think your feelings are normal under the circumstances. Even NOT under the circumstances, I can still relate. I've only lived one place since I got married, and for two years at that, and I still feel like the new person. Moreover, I am friendless beCAUSE I have no children---in this town, married couples have kids. Period. So anyone my age has kids, and as such, is unable to be my friend, because people with kids can't go to a movie spur-of-the-moment. And I don't have a child to take to a play date. So I am friendless, too. Even at school, I sit through eight hours of classes and can go an entire day without speaking one word. It's kind of weird.

Anyway, I feel for ya.

Ali said...

Dude I totally get it!! You probably read my blog bout all my conflicting emotions ;) Sane deal girl!

And one of my biggest pet peeves is someone telling me how to do anything. I can't believe that people are telling you how to raise your baby! Grrr I'll kick their butts for you! ;)

Meanwhile loves to that adorable son of yours! He's the reason life is worth all its issues ;)

Jeff and Rachael Downs said...

Emily I think you are fantastic.

I feel like I can sympathize with you with most of these things, and probably all of these things eventually. Just know that you still have friends across the country...I miss you a lot and it's so much fun to read about your on-goings. I love love love you :)

Spencer and Anna said...

I love reading honest posts. I'm not good at writing them myself, but I am greatful for those who do. :) It's always nice to know how others are really feeling---the good and the bad.
I totally understand about the bubbly feeling in your chest when your baby does something cute---which could be anything he/she does when you're the mom. :) I feel that frequently.
And I think it's sad that you feel ugly, because I was just looking at the pictures of your 11:11 party and thinking how pretty you looked. Honest.
I liked the word "jumpy" as a descriptor for "wanting to talk to someone who can talk back so bad you can hardly stand it." I feel like that, too. When I talk to people at church or at the store I feel like I verbally erupt all over them. :) I try to get in a weeks worth of not talking much in one day.
And I hear ya on the life of crazy moving. Someday it'll end, right? At least we get to see lots of new places. :)
And...the lower part of my tummy is still just a tiny bit numb from my c-section. Weird. I didn't know it could be that way with an epidural.
I probably should have just called you. What a long post response. :)

The Paxton Family said...

Ditto.
The funniest part about getting aggravated when people give there opinion about how you raise your child...is when you suddenly realize YOU are doing it to OTHERS also! :-) Pretty sure I did plenty of that this summer for you! It just happens :-)
oh and by the way,
Amy is pregnant now, I think she is due in April. But I think it makes her happier also. I've only seen Luke though, not Amy.

And all those general feelings of loneliness and being an unproductive stay at home mom with nothing to do but take care of my baby (which somehow seemed to take ALL my time) was really cured for me when I started blogging and realized almost EVERY mom feels the same too!

Have fun in New York!

Kyle & Rebecca Monson said...

I'M WITH YOU! :)

I just read parts of this to my husband and he laughed at many of the similarities. Haha....we love our babies!!!

Anna said...

Emily,
I think you're great!
Anna

Brea said...

Okay, I feel the exact same way you do about the being alone! Oh my gosh, I have caught myself getting really depressed and really really homesick for all my fun loving family and friends that I left behind! You know what's really hard too, is that I go to church expecting to be welcomed in and find new friends, but I haven't yet. We have been invited to one thing so far and NO ONE talked to us. I tried, I really did but this ward has maybe 6 "young couples" and they have all been in the ward for a few years and they are all BFF's! IT'S HARD!!! (and sad...) So I feel ya girl at least on that point. I am sorry you aren't feeling pretty right now. I bet you are stunning, especially with the glow of a new mom. I love looking at new moms. It always makes me happy. I can't wait until it's my turn... Chin up my friend.

Holly Janeen said...

oh my lanta, i LOVE YOU!
i think i couldve written the exact same post when i had Charlie.
my favorite line? (only because it SO describes how i feel EVERY FREAKIN DAY OF MOTHERHOOD!) was when you said ANNOYED... that entire paragraph was me talking- verbatim.
i have one thing to say to you, and i say it knowing that you have ups and downs and that you are not exactly like me, but its something that i have come to learn in the 7 months of motherhood that i have been learning through...
it will get better. it will.
i promise.
and this is just a season.
sometimes seasons in our life seem great one day and terrible the next... you know, just like in winter when one day you are thrilled to wear your new coat and build a snowman, and the next you are irritated that you have to shovel snow.
but the good news? the season doesnt last forever.
sometimes it seems sad that the season is short, and other times it seems like it will never end...
and every day i battle this season of my life... i try so hard to ENJOY it, and i do better on some days than others. some weeks i have ONE good day and 6 rotten ones, and another week i will feel like the best mom in the world!

just know that you are not alone in your feelings and that i really enjoy watching you grow through motherhood and i appreciate you sharing it all on your blog. YOU ARE DOING GREAT, i promise. and i also wanted to say that you are NOT ugly... in fact, when i saw your family picture at the top, my first thought (before i even read) was, "Emily is so beautiful."

you can do it, girlfriend. and one day i hope we live in the same ward so we can hang and you can teach me to cook. :)

Noelle said...

I'm not eloquent....but know that what you are doing--even on the days you never leave your house--is fulfilling the greatest calling and joy of your life. You are beautiful and alex is beautiful and I'm sure he is learning so fast, even if it's not quantum physics. I love to read your blog, you do such a great job. Thank you for the fun posts and the honest thoughtful posts.

Melissa said...

Hey, just found your blog. I'll send you an invite to mine. I can definitely relate to everything you said. I think a lot of it gets better as you get used to being a mom. But I still stink at being social...oh well. We should talk about psych sometime. The degree's got to be good for something :)

Bridget said...

I really liked this post!

By the way, I wasn't going to tell you this, but you had strange wet spot on your cute denim jacket today at church. What was going on with that?!??

:) just kidding.

The Johnsons said...

I just got the link to your blog and this is the first post I see. Friendless, come on aren't we friends?? :) Ok Ok I know I am kind of a lame friend because I get busy with my two kids going ons--preschool, playgroups, sicknesses and fevers that cause us to hibernate at home too. But lets hang out soon--we've been fever free for 3 days now, we are safe!

Julie Katherine Stapley said...

Dear Emily,

You are my hero. That is all. :)

Julie

Brittany said...

The new mom, new location, new way of life is a total shocker. I think most woman feel much the same as you do. It just gets better though

Meredith said...

Emily! Do you know what? You're so cute! I like how you write, and you tell the straight up truth! Not afraid! SO you know what I feel. . .

I FEEL YOU'RE THE BEEEEEST-EVA EMILY FOREVER-EVA!

Love you!!!

Janet said...

I agree with what a few people before me said, I've never seen a blog that was so honest. I know I'm far away, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here, my phone number is on my facebook and you can definitely get in touch with me that way. I'll be around the NY area soon too. I'm going down there around Christmas. I know I don't have a kid, but I felt the same way when I was living in Southern California. I wanted so badly to get out of New York, and I ended up crying the first week I was in this new ward because I realized I had to be the social one because none of them would come around. Luckily it worked out and I had some of the best times of my life down in South Pasadena. It was so much fun! But yeah, if you ever need to talk I'm here :)

Randi said...

I love this post. I feel the same way about some of the things... obviously I don't have a baby so that makes somethings a little different for me. You are so GORGEOUS EMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what the heck you're talking about, but you have such a natural beauty. You look amazing all the time!

My only suggestion to you would be to pick up a hobby. I felt like I don't have anything that I like to do for me, but I started making a little bit of jewelry for myself and its helped me do something fun for me.

Love you Emily.

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